I really, really, really, really hate myself. You can feel so unbelievably lost and horrible and like you’re nothing and you’re invisible for no reason at all. Which is almost worse than having a reason. It’s the way that my brain works. It’s like, “Billie, what’s wrong?” “I don’t fucking know.” “Me, that’s what.” It’s like, “Who hurt you?” I’m like… I have a song called “COPYCAT.” You all know that already. “COPYCAT” is basically about someone doing fucking everything you do. The idea of “idontwannabeyouanymore” was sort of exactly the opposite. So “COPYCAT” is like, “You wanna be me so bad.” “I’m the shit, but really no, I’m not.” It’s like, “You wanna be me,” I look over at the mirror, over here.
“I don’t wanna be you.” It’s so annoying to feel like this all the time, all the time. If someone is like, “Oh God, you fall apart so much.” “You’re so annoying. You’re always fucking sad.” I’m like, “I know.” I have to be in this bitch all the time. I’m aware of how annoying it is. As many people can try to help me and talk to me and whatever but it doesn’t change anything. The only person that can change the way that I feel is me, and that’s not gon’ happen. I don’t feel comfortable telling you why I feel like that. I just feel like if I say it out loud … It’s the same with people. I feel like when I was younger if I liked a boy or whatever I wouldn’t tell anybody because if I told them then it would make it true and something would have to go wrong.
That’s just how it has been always. So it’s like if I say, “Hey, I really need help.” “I really need help, I’m not okay.” “I need someone,” which is what’s going on in my head, it’s not gonna do anything but make me more aware of it and make me wanna drown in a pit of lava even more.
I just think models are maybe the saddest people in the world. Their job is always being looked at. That’s their job. My brother actually came up with the idea for that line. It was really interesting to me because I took it in so many different ways. Models are the people that everyone look up to. Models are known to be, “These are your role models.” This is your standard.
You have to look like this and be like this and do this and this and this. That’s been known forever and it changes all the time, but if it keeps changing why does it have to be there at all? I’ve never said anything that I meant more than that. You are always you. Forever. That’s terrifying. That line is actually my favorite line I’ve ever written in my life. When I was younger we used to have these things called Homeschool Fridays where every Friday all my homeschooled friends would come over and we’d do a craft and we’d play outside. It was so fun. Oh my God, it was so fun. But we used to make candles. So basically you take whatever you want the shape to be and you put it inside this thing and you pour this weird goo in it and then you freeze it or leave it out or whatever until it hardens and then you take the mold out and everything. Then you’d have this thing with this hole. It looked like a flashlight, low key. Oh my God! Then you’d pour the candle in it, the candle wax I guess and then you’d let that dry and then eventually you’d break the mold in half and you’d have a candle with exactly the shape that the mold was.
But sometimes the mold would break. That line is basically like, there’s all these perfect people. Nobody is perfect but perfect people around me. It’s like, “Well what’s wrong with me?” We’ve made every mistake together. Me and my bitch Billie. She’s my ho. She makes all these mistakes but I help her out with every single one. We make them together. We’re a team. But I hate her. Ugh! I will never know what you’re thinking right now, ever. Even if you tell me I still don’t know because you could be lying. “Only you know the way that I break.” No matter how many times I tell people, “It’s this.” “It’s that. It’s nothing.” It’s something and it’s up here. .