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And On The Second Day Of Quarantine, Stephen Colbert Discovered Fire

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>> APPARENTLY WHEN THIS OUTBREAK OF COVID 19, PLACE. >> ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE IMPENDING TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE? WHY BE AFRAID WHEN YOU CAN BE BIDETTED? THAT’S RIGHT. THERE’S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO HOSE DOWN WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE, SO ORDER FROM TED BIDET’S BUDGET BIDETS TODAY. THE SQUIRT GUN, THE BROKEN HYDRANT, THE MOBY DICK, THE BELARGEIO FOUNTAIN, THE LAWN SPRINKLER, AND WITH OUR OPTIONAL HOT WATER ATTACHMENT, OLD FAITHFUL. YOU’LL HAVE A BUTT CLEAN ENOUGH TO EAT OFF OF. SO DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE T.P. SHORTAGE, COME TO TED BIDET’S BUDGET BIDETS’ AND GET THE WATER UP YOUR SQUATTER. SQUATTER. >> STEPHEN WELCOMES JOHN OLIVER, AND MUSICAL GUEST, ALEX EBERT. WITH JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, IT’S STEPHEN CLBERT! >> Stephen: FIRE! HELLO. WELCOME TO DAY TWO OF MY SPECIAL QUARANTINE EDITION OF “THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT”.” OR AS WE’RE CALLING IT TONIGHT, “THE FLAME SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBURN.” AS YOU CAN SEE, I’VE MIGRATED FROM MY BATHTUB TO MY FIRE PIT.

WE’LL EVENTUALLY GO THROUGH ALL OF THE ELEMENTS. FOR A LOT OF AMERICANS, TODAY IS PRIMARY DAY. DESPITE THE VIRUS, AMERICANS ARE GOING OUT AND VOTING. THIS IS STILL A DEMOCRACY. THE ONLY CHANGE IS THIS YEAR: WE’LL BE AWARDING THE PRESIDENCY TO THE PERSON WITH THE MOST TOILET PAPER. PRIMARIES WERE SCHEDULED TODAY IN OHIO, ARIZONA, ILLINOIS, AND FLORIDA. THEY SHOULD BE FINE. ARE THERE ANY OLD PEOPLE IN FLORIDA? THERE’S NOBODY OVER THERE. I FORGOT. I’M ALONE. YEAH, FLORIDA IS PROBABLY FINE. NOW, IT’S DISAPPOINTING FOR ME, BECAUSE BEFORE THE CORONAVIRUS HIT, WE PLANNED TO DO A SPECIAL SHOW OF WALL-TO-WALL PRIMARY COVERAGE CALLED “THE LATE SHOW’S HAND-HOLDING, FACE-TOUCHING SUPER SMOOCHDAY PRIMARY.

WE WILL LIVE FOREVER!” TODAY, ONE OF THOSE FOUR STATES, OHIO, CANCELED THEIR ELECTION JUST HOURS BEFORE POLLS WERE SET TO OPEN, THEN ANNOUNCED THE PRIMARY WAS POSSIBLY POSTPONED TO JUNE 2. REALLY, “POSSIBLY”? I WANT MY ELECTIONS TO HAVE A MORE DEFINITE PLAN THAN MEETING MY FRIENDS FOR BRUNCH. LOOK, I UNDERSTAND POSTPONING ELECTIONS RIGHT NOW. IT PROTECTS VOTERS AND POLL WORKERS. BUT WE’VE GOTTA BE CAREFUL, BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN SOCIAL DISTANCING FROM AMERICAN DEMOCRACY FOR YEARS. SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY CHECK ON HER. SHE’S 244 YEARS OLD. THIS IS A FIRE POKER, BY THE WAY, YOU CAN BLOW THROUGH. A LOT OF STUFF IS CLOSING. FOR INSTANCE “THE MET GALA HAS BEEN POSTPONED INDEFINITELY.” I KNOW FOR ORDINARY AMERICANS, THIS MUST COME AS QUITE A BLOW. EVERY YEAR, THE MET GALA IS FASHION’S BIGGEST AND FIERCEST NIGHT.

LAST YEAR JARED LETO WORE, AS A CASUAL ACCESSORY, WORE HIS OWN HEAD. THEY HAD TO CANCEL THIS YEAR BECAUSE THEY WERE AFRAID HE’D TOUCH BOTH HIS FACES. BUT JUST BECAUSE THE MET GALA HAS BEEN CANCELLED, THAT DOESN’T MEAN THAT CELEBRITIES HAVE CUT DOWN ON THE GLAM. ONE OF FASHION’S MOST DARING TASTEMAKER’S IS BILLY PORTER. LAST YEAR, HE WAS CARRIED INTO THE GALA ON A LITTER OF GOLD. SEE, BILLY IS READY FOR THE VIRUS. HIS SHIRTLESS MEN ALL WORE MASKS. KATY PERRY IS NOT GOING THIS YEAR, OF COURSE. SHE IS HOME, REPEATING HER OUTFIT FROM LAST YEAR. SHE IS STILL DRESSED AS A HAMBURGER. BUT THIS YEAR, THAT’S ACTUAL MEAT SHE’S HOARDING. AND TO KEEP UP WITH THE THEME THIS YEAR, LADY GAGA IS HOME DRESSED AS A 32-PACK OF CHARMIN. ENJOY THE GAGA. AMIDST ALL OF THIS, AMERICANS ARE DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR THOUGHTFUL LEADERSHIP.

OR DONALD TRUMP. THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED A CALL FOR UNITY AND COOPERATION. ( AS TRUMP ) “FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS WORKING VERY WELL WITH THE GOVERNORS AND STATE OFFICIALS. GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN! SORRY. THE FIRE TURNED ON ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT ONE. GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN! #KillTheVirus.” OKAY, I GET THE IDEA OF WHAT HE’S SAYING. BUT IT’S, YOU KNOW, NOT THE MOST COMFORTING WHEN PLEASANT WORDS LIKE “GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN” ARE FOLLOWED BY “KILL IT.” “HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING! BUT FIRST, LETS THROW ROCKS AT THE OLD BOYFRIEND!” AFTER BRAGGING ABOUT WORKING SO WELL WITH STATE LEADERS, TRUMP IMMEDIATELY HAD HARSH WORDS FOR NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO.

“CUOMO WANTS ‘ALL THE STATES TO BE TREATED THE SAME.’ BUT ALL STATES AREN’T THE SAME. SOME ARE BEING HIT HARD BY THE CHINESE VIRUS. SOME ARE BEING HIT PRACTICALLY NOT AT ALL. NEW YORK IS A VERY BIG ‘HOTSPOT,’ WEST VIRGINIA HAS, THUS FAR, ZERO CASES.” YEAH, NEW YORK! WHY CAN’T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER, WEST VIRGINIA? HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY CORONAVIRUS. AND I HEAR YOUR SISTER RHODE ISLAND IS DATING A DOCTOR. YOU ARE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT. CLEARLY, THIS VIRUS IS A P.R. DISASTER FOR DONALD TRUMP, BUT AT TODAY’S CORONAVIRUS PRESS CONFERENCE, STEVE MNUCHIN HAD A SOLUTION: FREE MONEY! >> WE ARE LOOKING AT SENDING CHECKS TO AMERICANS IMMEDIATELY. AMERICANS NEED CASH NOW, AND THE PRESIDENT WANTS TO GET CASH TO THEM NOW. AND I MEAN NOW, IN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS. >> Stephen: CASH FOR AMERICANS. AND BECAUSE IT’S TRUMP, I’M GUESSING IT’LL BE $130,000 FOR EVERYONE TO JUST SAY THEY’RE HEALTHY. NOW, AT THE PRESS CONFERENCE, PRESIDENT TRUMP TRIED TO FOCUS ON OUR BRIGHT FUTURE. >> ONE DAY, WE’LL BE STANDING, POSSIBLY UP HERE, AND SAY “WELL, WE WON.” AND WE’RE GONNA SAY THAT.

SURE AS YOU’RE SITTING THERE, WE’RE GOING TO SAY THAT, AND WE’RE GOING TO WIN. AND I THINK WE’RE GOING TO WIN FASTER THAN PEOPLE THINK. I HOPE. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, WHEN TRUMP SAID WE WERE GOING TO BE “SICK OF WINNING,” I DIDN’T KNOW HE MEANT THAT LITERALLY. TRUMP THEN FOCUSED ON WHAT TO HIM IS THE MOST IMPORTANT SECTOR OF THE ECONOMY: >> I SPOKE WITH EXECUTIVES FROM AMERICA’S FAST FOOD INDUSTRY– WENDY’S, McDONALD’S– ALL OF THE BIG ONES– BURGER KING. AND THEY WERE GREAT. THEY’VE BEEN FANTASTIC. THEY’VE BEEN ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. >> Stephen: TRUMP KNOWS FAST FOOD IS CRUCIAL DURING A PANDEMIC. THAT’S WHY HE STARTED HOARDING IT A YEAR AGO. NOW, WE’VE ALL BEEN CALLING IT “CORONAVIRUS,” OR “COVID-19.” BUT TRUMP’S BEEN TOOTING HIS DOG WHISTLE PRETTY HARD BY CALLING IT “CHINESE VIRUS.” AND HE DEFENDED IT AT TODAY’S PRESS CONFERENCE: >> Reporter: CHINA AND OTHERS HAVE CRITICIZED YOU FOR USING THE PHRASE “CHINESE VIRUS”? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT? ARE YOU GOING TO CONTINUE USING THAT PHRASE? >> I HAVE TO CALL IT WHERE IT CAME FROM.

IT DID COME FROM CHINA, SO I THINK IT’S A VERY ACCURATE. >> Stephen: NO, IT’S NOT. IT’S A VERY RACIST TERM. IF YOU CARE SO MUCH ABOUT NAMING THINGS WHERE THEY CAME FROM, THEN CALL IT “BAT BITE FEVER,” WHICH WAS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE SHORT-LIVED OZZY OSBOURNE MUSICAL. SADLY, IT WAS CANCELED OPENING NIGHT, DURING INTERMISSION. TOO MANY BAT BITES. FOR WEEKS NOW, TRUMP’S BEEN ACTING LIKE CORONAVIRUS IS NO BIG DEAL. EVEN AS CASES MOUNTED, HE SAID IT WAS UNDER CONTROL. HE TOLD US TO RELAX. HE SAID WARNINGS ABOUT IT WERE A DEMOCRATIC HOAX. HE SAID THE INFECTION RATE WOULD GO TO ZERO. HE SAID IT WOULD MIRACULOUSLY GO AWAY ON ITS OWN. NOW THAT THINGS ARE UNDENIABLY BAD, HE HAS A NEW STRATEGY, AND IT’S HIS SAME OLD STRATEGY.

>> I FELT IT WAS A PANDEMIC LONG BEFORE IT WAS CALLED A PANDEMIC. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS LOOK AT OTHER COUNTRIES. I’VE ALWAYS VIEWED IT AS VERY SERIOUS. THERE WAS NO DIFFERENCE YESTERDAY FROM DAYS BEFORE. >> Stephen: NO! BAD TRUMP! YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT! EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER SAID IS ON CAMERA OR ON TWITTER. YOU CAN’T GASLIGHT US. THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME SAYING I DIDN’T DO A SHOW FROM MY BATHTUB YESTERDAY. WE ALL KNOW I DID. I RECORDED IT. WAS IT A GOOD IDEA TO WEAR EAR PODS IN A BUBBLE BATH? I WILL LET HISTORY BE MY JUDGE– AND THE APPLE GENIUS BAR.

THEY DIDN’T GET WET. AND AMERICA KNOWS HE’S FULL OF IT. ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, ONLY 37% OF AMERICANS TRUST IN WHAT THEY’RE HEARING FROM THE PRESIDENT. THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH HAVING A LEADER WHO NEVER TELLS THE TRUTH. AT A TIME WHEN AMERICANS ARE DESPERATE FOR ANSWERS, A TIME WHEN ACTUAL LIVES ARE AT STAKE, WE CAN’T TRUST THE ONE PERSON ELECTED TO LEAD US. PEOPLE KEEP SAYING WE NEED TO BE ON A WAR FOOTING. BUT WE GOT THROUGH WORLD WAR II BECAUSE F.D.R. DID NOT KICK THINGS OFF LIKE THIS: >> DECEMBER 7, 1941, A DAY LIKE ANY OTHER DAY. SURE, SOME STUFF HAPPENED IN PEARL HARBOR, BUT RELAX. YOU KNOW WHO DIDN’T GET BOMBED AT ALL? WEST VIRGINIA! BESIDES, THIS WHOLE JAPAN THING WILL JUST MIRACULOUSLY GO AWAY BY ITSELF.

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WITH EVERYTHING SHUTTING DOWN AROUND THE GLOBE, PEOPLE ARE SPENDING MUCH MORE TIME WITH THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS, WHICH MIGHT NOT BE TOTALLY GOOD, BECAUSE THE CORONAVIRUS IS DRIVING DIVORCE RATES UP IN CHINA. SO IT’S LESS “TILL DEATH DO US PART” AND MORE “TILL THE TOILET PAPER RUNS OUT.” SOME PEOPLE ARE PREDICTING A SIMILAR RISE IN DIVORCES HERE IN THE UNITED STATES. BUT ONE DIVORCE ATTORNEY SAYS IT COULD ACTUALLY HELP SPOUSES BOND, SAYING THAT “IF A COUPLE IS ON LOCKDOWN, IT COULD REANIMATE THEIR SEX LIFE.” “HEY, BABY, LET’S PRETEND I’M THE LAST MAN ON EARTH, AND YOU’RE THE LAST WOMAN ON EARTH AAAAAND…

OOP, GOOGLE ALERT. WE ARE.” IN FACT, SOME PEOPLE ARE ASKING IF THESE CORONAVIRUS SHUTDOWNS COULD LEAD TO A BABY BOOM. YES, WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER, WE’LL HAVE LOTS OF KIDS RUNNING AROUND, LIKE LITTLE COVIDA, HER BROTHER PURELL, AND HIS BEST FRIEND TONY BEEFA-RONI. BUT EVEN WITH ALL THE SHUTDOWNS, SOME FOLKS STILL AREN’T TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY. >> BY THE LOOKS OF IT, THIS LOOKS TO BE A PRETTY BUSY DAY HERE AT THE BEACHES, A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE IN THE WATER. >> WE’RE DEFINITELY STILL WORRIED ABOUT IT, BUT IT’S NOT SOMETHING THAT WE’RE LETTING CONSUME OUR SPRING BREAK, I GUESS. >> Stephen: WOW! I AM SHOCKED, SHOCKED I SAY! THAT COLLEGE STUDENTS ON SPRING BREAK ARE EXERCISING BAD JUDGEMENT! I KNOW YOU KIDS ARE SICK OF OLD PEOPLE YELLING ADVICE AT YOU, BUT I’M GOING TO YELL FROM AT LEAST SIX FEET AWAY.

I JUST GOT HIT IN THE EYE. NO, I’M FINE EYE JUST– THEY SAY WHEN YOU’RE DOING THIS YOU GET A DRY COUGH. THERE’S NO WAY I WILL KNOW IF I HAVE COVID-19 BECAUSE I HICKORY SMOKED BY AVOLEOS TODAY. THEY WON’T HAVE TO EMBALM ME, THAT’S FOR SURE, BECAUSE I’M AS CURED AS A VIRGINIA HAM RIGHT NOW. OKAY, LET’S GO BACK. I KNOW YOU KIDS ARE SICK OF OLD PEOPLE YELLING ADVICE AT YOU, BUT I’M GOING TO YELL FROM AT LEAST SIX FEET AWAY. GO HOME! STAY IN YOUR HOTEL! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LISTEN TO THIS GUY! >> WE’RE NOT REAL WORRIED ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE’RE ON THE SAND, AND IT’S AN OPEN AREA. THERE’S NOT A LOT OF DOORKNOBS AND NOT A LOT OF THINGS YOU CAN TOUCH. >> Stephen: OH, I SEE ONE DOORKNOB.

SPEAKING OF IRRESPONSIBLE DRINKING, HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY. BEING IN SELF-ISOLATION ON ST. PADDY’S IS PRETTY WEIRD, BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, I FINALLY GOT TO WEAR MY T-SHIRT, “WAVE TO ME FROM A SAFE DISTANCE. I’M IRISH.” MANY ST. PATRICK’S DAY TRADITIONS HAVE CHANGED THIS YEAR. FOR EXAMPLE, DUE TO CORONAVIRUS CONCERNS, THE BAND THE DROPKICK MURPHYS WILL LIVESTREAM THEIR ANNUAL ST. PATRICK’S DAY CONCERT. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THIS, BUT THANK YOU, DROPKICK MURPHYS, FOR SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE.

LET’S NOT JUST FLATTEN THE CURVE. LET’S DROPKICK THE CURVE! WHERE ARE MY MANNERS? SAY HI TO OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN.’ JON, HAPPY SAINT PATRICK’S DAY! >> Jon: YES INDEED, RIGHT HERE AT HOME, SITTING AT HOME. >> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU DOING, JON? >> Jon: I’M GOOD. I’M QUARANTINED. >> Stephen: ARE YOU PRACTICING SOCIAL DISTANCING? >> Jon: YEAH, I LOVE SOCIAL MUSIC, BUT THIS TIME IT’S AROUND DISTANCE. >> Stephen: PEOPLE GET A LITTLE ANXIOUS BECAUSE OF THIS VIRUS. HOW ARE YOU KEEPING YOURSELF CALM? >> Jon: YOU KNOW, I’M SITTING AROUND THE PIANO. I HAVE A LOT OF SONGS I CAN PLAY AND LEARN AND BOOKS TO READ AND WATCHING STUFF ON HULU. IT’S CRAZY, YOU KNOW. >> Stephen: BY THE WAY, JON, HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY. >> Jon: OH, YEAH. WELL, YOU KNOW, IT’S CRAZY TO HAVE ST. PATRICK’S DAY LIKE THIS. >> Stephen: YEAH, NO PARADES. NO GREEN BEER. OR YOU CAN HAVE GREEN BEER, BUT YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE IT AT HOME. I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT.

MAKE A SMOOTHIE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, I SUPPOSE. >> Jon: YEAH, GREEN JUICE, KALE. ( LAUGHS ). >> Stephen: THAT’S YOU BECAUSE YOU DON’T DRINK. >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, I DO A GREEN JUICE FOR ST. PADDY’S DAY. LET’S GO. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, JON, THE THE DROPKICK MURPHYS ARE LIVESTREAMING THEIR CONCERT THIS YEAR BECAUSE THEY CAN’T HAVE, YOU KNOW, GATHERINGS OF MORE THAN 50 PEOPLE. WE SHOULD LIVESTREAM A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW. >> Jon: I LIKE THAT IDEA. WE SHOULD PICK, LIKE, AN IRISH FOLK SONG OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, LIKE “OH, DANNY BOY” OR SOMETHING. >> Stephen: I LIKE “DANNY BOY,” BUT I’M NOT SURE IT’S ENTIRELY APPROPRIATE RIGHT NOW? >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, THE OLD MAN MIGHT BE IMMUNE OW COMPROMISES. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE THIS YOUNG BOY NAMED DANNY, AND WHO KNOWS IF HE WASHES HIS HANDS, GOING TO SEE HIS OLD FATHER. THAT’S A RECIPE FOR DISASTER. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WHAT IF WE CHANGE THE LYRICS. >> Jon: YEAH, WE COULD DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

LET’S GIVE IT A SHOT. >> Stephen: HIT IT, MAESTRO! OH, DANNY BOY, YOUR HANDS, YOUR HANDS NEED WASHING FROM THUMB TO THUMB AND ALL YOUR FINGERS, TOO QUARANTINE IS NEAR SO DO YOUR T.P. SHOPPING I’VE NEARLY WATCHED EVERYTHING THEY’VE GOT ON HULU AND STAND YE BACK LET’S PRACTICE SOCIAL DISTANCE OR BETTER YET, WHY NOT USE SEPARATE ROOMS? LET’S JUST STAY HOME I’LL SEE YOU WHILE FACETIMING OH DANNY BOY, OH DANNY BOY, HAVE YOU TRIED ZOOM? I KNOW YOU’RE YOUNG AND FUN IS JUST WHAT YOU WANT I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DO NOT FEEL SICK BUT STOP GOING OUT TO ALL THE BARS AND RESTAURANTS OH DANNY BOY, OH DANNY BOY, DON’T BE A DICK! WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS JOHN OLIVER LIVE FROM THREE WEEKS AGO. STICK AROUND. JON, PLAY US OUT WITH SOMETHING PEPPY! .

As found on YouTube