Do you have a deep desire to improve your ability to deal/relate with other people? Do you want to make your relationship better with your co-workers and family members? After your college graduation, it becomes harder to make friends and connect with people who are not your cohort or colleagues. But most of the success is about building a network and making friends in your industry. How do you make friends at your age? It may seem like a subjective process, but there are universal methods available to you to help you make socialization easier. Watch this episode to the end because the most successful entrepreneurs and leaders studied and practiced the book which we will discuss now. This is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It contains timeless wisdom on how to connect with other people, how to be more likable, and how to better or improve your relationship with other people. This book is divided into many parts and principles but these 10 are the most beautiful and classic lessons to be learned from Carnegie.
FIRST, DON’T CRITICIZE, CONDEMN OR COMPLAIN. According to world’s famous psychologist BF Skinner, an animal rewarded as a result of a good deed learns faster and retains the learning better than an animal being punished due to bad behavior. Some studies have even suggested that this principle also applies to people: Criticizing others doesn’t yield anything positive. The criticism is futile because it puts someone in “defensive” mode and often instead of changing, he insists to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s pride, his view of his worth, and provokes resentment. We cannot make real change in criticizing or criticizing people, and often, it produces resentment. We must remember that when we deal, with other people, what dominates is emotion rather than reason or logic.
Emotions are linked to their pride and ego. It is better when they feel empathy and forgiveness from us. It is not appropriate for us to measure other people’s worth based on our standards for ourselves. Second, BE GENEROUS WITH PRAISE. It is easier to hear bad words after we are praised. So the first step to change someone else without hurting them is to start appreciating or valuing their strengths. For example, if you have a co-worker who wrote a speech for a conference which you feel is lengthy or not appropriate for the audience, you can start by a greeting or praising his speech as “this can be a blog post!” We can mention the reasons why it is more appropriate to be a written post than a speech in the beginning and maybe immediately he’ll realize what you’re pointing out.
But because we said it is a great fit for something else, he would not be hurt that we think his speech is not suitable for the conference. Many people are starting their reviews with sincere praise but immediately followed by the word “but”. For example, a parent who is convincing his son to improve in his studies might say, “We are proud of you, Joseph, for your grades in school, BUT if you’ve performed better in your Math class, the betterl!” At first Joseph was encouraged until he heard the word “but” hence, ‘he may question the sincerity of the previous compliment. The word “but” must be changed to the word “and”. You should replace the word “but” with the word “and”. See how different the outcome is: “We are proud of you, Joseph, for your grades in school, AND if you continue your efforts in Math class, that’s better.
” Also, remember to avoid flattery. Flattery and appreciation differ. On the tongue or snout comes the flattery whereas appreciation comes from the heart. Do so honestly and unselfishly your own values and appreciation. Third, REMEMBER THEIR NAMES. “The average person is more interested in their own name than in all the other names in the world put together. ” A person’s name is a very powerful thing – it is a symbol of human identity. This is a reference to them. So remembering and using the name of a person is a great way to convey the importance of man. It’s like calling someone’s name is to give them a compliment. On the other hand, forgetfulness or misspellings in the name of a person can have a negative impact and we may let them feel that we are not interested in them. Remembering and using people’s names is a critical component to good leadership. A CEO who can’t remember the name of his employees does not appreciate a significant part of his business.
On the other hand, some or most do not remember the names of others for the simple reason that they do not put in the effort to do so. We always give an excuse that we are too busy. Remembering one’s name is an issue about effort, not ability. Ask someone’s name. Pay attention to it. Make sure you listen carefully. Spell it as needed. Repeat this several times. NUMBER 4, BE GENUINELY INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLE.
We now understand that people want to talk about themselves and have other people interested in them. You should talk about things that they enjoy. Whenever a guest or visitor is expected, Theodore Roosevelt will stay awake until midnight before the visitor arrives so he can read any subject he knows that his guest was interested at. And this is because Roosevelt is enthusiastic who knows the following idea: “The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. ” Invite people to tell you their accomplishments and tell you their personal and professional endeavors. If you’re comfortable, be a cheerleader or somebody who supports people in your work Just a few ideas: remember their birthday or someone else’s anniversary, send messages of congratulations every time your co-worker gets promoted, and more.
NUMBER 5, KNOW THE VALUE OF CHARM. One thing which is not usually discussed by people when it comes to job searching is not about talent, where you graduated in college or who knows you. What gives you the opportunity? It is people liking you. A good resume can get you through the door of a company, but charm, social skills, and talent will keep you there. People usually choose someone whom they are happier with than someone who is not comfortable to be with even he/she is more talented Be someone whom people would like to talk to, be genuinely interested in other people, because it is what will make you rich and will open up a lot of door of opportunities for you. NUMBER 6, BE QUICK TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR OWN MISTAKES. Acknowledging your mistakes is a good way to build empathy and trust. Instead of avoiding your mistake and trying to hide it, Carnegie urged readers to admit mistakes “quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm”. Having stable personal and professional relationships depend on you, as you take the responsibilities for your actions, especially in the mistakes.
Nothing else can control the stress and defeat but a swift acknowledgment and apology from you. The next time you make a mistake, challenge yourself to be the first to mention it. If you have done a mess on a project at work, approach your boss about it. In delivering the message that you recognize your mistakes and you think so too how to avoid similar mistakes, you are showing your boss that you are responsible, honest, and accountable. Most likely he will dismiss the issue and he will continue to trust you. NUMBER SEVEN, DON’T ATTEMPT TO “WIN” AN ARGUMENT. We are often tempted to argue with other people, especially if we are fully convinced that we are right about something. But even if we are right, what is the benefit of arguing? Why do you have to prove someone else is wrong? Will others like us when we do that? We have nothing to gain/achieve there but to feel “superior.” According to Carnegie, it’s impossible to win in an argument. When we lose in an argument, we lose; when we win, it feels good but the other party will feel being “inferior”; this hurts his/her pride, and he/she could feel resentment toward us.
In other words, we still lose. “There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument – and that is to avoid it, ” preached Carnegie. So, next time that you have a disagreement with another person, ‘don’t respond with a criticism or negative message. Instead, just sleep on it. You will be surprised at how many perspectives you can get when you give yourself time to reflect on the situation. NUMBER 8, BEGIN ON COMMON GROUND. Before you answer or react in the way a person feels, look first at the thing or issue from his perspective or point of view. Take the time to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Sympathy. Everybody wants to make sure that other people understand their perspective.
Carnegie uses the magical phrase: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you, I should undoubtedly feel just as you do. ” “Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you. ” Everyone wants to feel understood and their problems and opinions acknowledged. Use it to transform hostility to friendliness. NUMBER 9, HAVE OTHERS BELIEVE YOUR CONCLUSION IS THEIR OWN. When talking to people, we should not start with those points we disagree with.
We must start by giving emphasis on the things we agree on, and make sure we deliver the same message that we are striving for the same result -our differences are in method, but not purpose. All we want to do is get the person to say “yes” soon. NUMBER 10, MAKE PEOPLE FEEL IMPORTANT. The only way we can get someone to do something is to give them what they want.
What do most people want? Health, food, sleep, money? Most of these intentions are usually given, but there is one desire that is almost profound with the desire for food and sleep yet a person rarely gets: the desire to be important. Says William James, an American psychologist, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. ” Find someone who looks like his day does not flow well — perhaps a demotivated workmate, a waitress at a restaurant, or a person who sells newspapers in a corner. Offer words of kindness and genuine compliments. Do this at least once a day. Through words of appreciation, we have the power to change how other people view themselves, can improve their motivation, and become a driving force to their success.
Like the famous and successful people, continue to learn and apply the principles by Dale Carnegie’s on his book How to Win Friends and Influence People. Did you know that Warren Buffet, the third richest in the world had a hard time dealing with people? To fix this, he attended a training to study the principles of this book. His certificate of completion for “Dale Carnegie Course in Effective Speaking, Leadership Training, and the Art of Winning Friends and Influencing People ”in 1952 was the only certificate displayed on the wall of his office in Nebraska? This is a proof that the lessons from this book have a huge impact on anyone’s success.
In summary, here are our 10 Tips on how to win friends and influence people: Number 1, Don’t criticize or complain. Number 2, Be generous. 3. Remember their name. 4. Be genuinely interested in other people 5. Learn the importance of charm. 6 Be quick to recognize your own mistakes 7 Don’t try to win an argument 8 Start with the same beliefs. 9 Make others believe that your conclusion is their own, and Tenth, make people feel that they are important. This is MOBAZILLA! Until then!.