-Let’s get to the news. President Trump sent a letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today and said the impeachment inquiry is full of shameless lies and deception, which is true. It’s called evidence. [ Laughter ] In President Trump’s letter, he accused Nancy Pelosi of declaring open war on American democracy and said, “You do not know, nor do you care the great damage and hurt you have inflicted upon wonderful and loving members of my family.” This letter is bonkers! I don’t even know how to describe the tone of it. I guess if you took the most privileged white lady ever and gave her a whole bottle of wine and then asked her to write a Yelp review of a restaurant that made her wait 40 minutes for a table and then got her order wrong twice. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] President Trump’s campaign is reportedly planning to spend almost $400,000 this week on anti-impeachment ads, which seems unnecessary when the best anti-impeachment ad has an office down the hall.
[ Laughter ] According to officials, President Trump believes that the more he repeats something, the more likely his supporters are to believe it, though there are some limits. [ Laughter and applause ] A whistleblower complaint has been filed accusing the Mormon church of misleading members and stockpiling $100 billion that should have been given to charities. “Wow, that is the worst thing a church has ever done,” said the Pope. [ Laughter ] Senator Bernie Sanders’ campaign has started trying to reach older voters by running ads during the game show “Family Feud.” [ Laughter ] Said Bernie, “Why are only the top five answers on the board? What about the bottom five and the ever-shrinking middle five? What of the middle five?” [ Cheers and applause ] Producers have announced that Post Malone will perform in Times Square on New Year’s Eve.
Unfortunately, his tattoo artist already dropped the ball. [ Laughter ] It’s been announced that Mariah Carey’s hit song “All I Want for Christmas Is You” was the most streamed song in the country last week. Said people who work in retail, “We know!” [ Laughter and applause ] A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females 5 to 10 times per day. So maybe your autocorrect was right when it wrote “ducking.” [ Laughter ].