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https://www.youtube.com/embed/tTB6mVBrG6I NOW, HUGE NEWS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. NEXT WEEK IS BETTY WHITE’S 94th BIRTHDAY. (APPLAUSE) >> I’M SORRY YOU HAD TO SAY THE NUMBER. I WAS GOING TO SAY IT’S MY 58th. >> James: WELL, THE TRUTH, IS I COULD HAVE GOT AWAY WITH THAT AND PEOPLE WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT! THAT’S THE TRUTH! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THEY ABSOLUTELY WOULD! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CELEBRATE THIS? VEGAS? >> NO, NO. I’M GOING TO CELEBRATE WITH ROBERT REDFORD. >> James: WHOO! HE DOESN’T KNOW THAT. >> James: HE DOESN’T KNOW THAT… >> I THINK HE’S OUT OF THE COUNTRY. BUT I’M GOING TO CELEBRATE IT WITH HIM. >> James: WE THOUGHT WE WOULD PLAY A GAME CALLED “DID IT EXIST.” I’M GOING TO TALK ABOUT THINGS FROM HISTORY AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS IF THEY EXISTED WHEN BETTY WAS BORN. OKAY? ALL RIGHT, SO THAT’S WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO.FIRST…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/nnRRpWfrC7c > > James, YOUR BEST BEAUTY HACK, INVOLVES A TEASPOON > >. I HAVE MANY TIPS. I’Ve BEEN IN THE INDUSTRY LONG ENOUGH WITH A TEASPOON. You CAN CURL YOUR EYE LASHES, > > James, WITH A TEASPOON > >, AS ONE DOES –. You WANT ME TO DO IT FOR YOU PERFECT, LIKE –, YES, >, >, James, I’VE GOT A KNIFE FORK TEASPOON, JUST IN CASE I I NEED A SNACK Will YOU DEMONSTRATE ON YOU? What DO YOU DO? I NEED IT. I ALREADY HAVE INCREDIBLE LASHES, > >, YOU ARE FLAWLESS ANYONE OUT THERE. This IS A VERY, VERY SERIOUS PROCESS, KIND OF LOOK AT MY SHOULDER AND YOU KIND OF WANT TO GET YOU RIGHT AT THE LASH LINE AND JUST PINCH IT JUST ENOUGH. So YOU ARE GIVING THAT FLAWLESS. Doe-Eyed LOOK! Like THAT > > GORGEOUS GORGEOUS > > YEAH, IT WORKS…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/eWPKrGJ7ksI >> APPARENTLY WHEN THIS OUTBREAK OF COVID 19, PLACE. >> ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE IMPENDING TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE? WHY BE AFRAID WHEN YOU CAN BE BIDETTED? THAT’S RIGHT. THERE’S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO HOSE DOWN WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE, SO ORDER FROM TED BIDET’S BUDGET BIDETS TODAY. THE SQUIRT GUN, THE BROKEN HYDRANT, THE MOBY DICK, THE BELARGEIO FOUNTAIN, THE LAWN SPRINKLER, AND WITH OUR OPTIONAL HOT WATER ATTACHMENT, OLD FAITHFUL. YOU’LL HAVE A BUTT CLEAN ENOUGH TO EAT OFF OF. SO DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE T.P. SHORTAGE, COME TO TED BIDET’S BUDGET BIDETS’ AND GET THE WATER UP YOUR SQUATTER. SQUATTER. >> STEPHEN WELCOMES JOHN OLIVER, AND MUSICAL GUEST, ALEX EBERT. WITH JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, IT’S STEPHEN CLBERT! >> Stephen: FIRE! HELLO. WELCOME TO DAY TWO OF MY SPECIAL QUARANTINE EDITION OF “THE…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/DgfumenJbXE >> James: WELCOME BACK. WE’RE HERE WITH HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI AND WE ASKED HER TO SHARE SOMETHING FROM HER HOME FOR A LITTLE “LATE, LATE SHOW” AND TELL. SPEAKER PELLOLOGIEE, WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SHARE WITH US FROM YOUR HOME. >> CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE. >> James: REALLY. >> CHOCOLATE CANDY. >> James: OH WOW. >> AND THIS IS SOMETHING YOU CAN GET THROUGH THE MAIL. >> James: OKAY. >> FROM. >> James: THERE IS THE EPISODE OF CHRIS I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED, WOW. >> OTHER PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILY LIKE OTHER FLAVORS BUT CHOCOLATE. AND WE HAVE SOME OTHER CHOCOLATE HERE. >> James: I HAVE ALWAYS FELT A CONNECTION WITH YOU, AND NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY. SINCE YOU HAVE BEEN ISOLATING IN YOUR HOUSE, HOW MUCH OF YOUR REGULAR DPIET DO YOU THINK IS ICE CREAM AND CANDY? >> WELL, AS MUCH AS…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/wWQIUK6EtSA >> James: WELCOME BACK. OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, THE MIGHTY FIGURE HERSELF NANCY PELOSI IS WITH US. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US ON THE SHOW, SPEAKER PELOSI, REALLY APPRECIATE IT. >> THANK YOU, IT’S MY PLEASURE TO BE HERE. I WISH IT WERE UNDER DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES. >> James: WELL, SO DO I. I WAS THINKING BACK TO THE LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER, WE WERE IN AN ENGLISH PUB EATING AND THAT FEELS SO MUCH MORE CIVILIZED THAN THIS.BUT WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW IN THE WORLD AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW ARE YOU COPING THROUGH ALL OF THIS? >> WELL, I CAME FROM WASHINGTON ABOUT TEN DAYS AGO TO CALIFORNIA. AND AGAIN I WISH THAT WE KNEW WHEN I COULD GO BACK. BUT WE’RE COPING PRETTY WELL. I HAVE MY GRANDCHILDREN FROM NEW…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/UfxuZ87-S8Q LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE’RE HERE WITH SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI. THERE WAS A BIG VOTE TODAY IN CONGRESS FORMALIZING THE PROCEDURES FOR IMPEACHMENT. WHEN DO PUBLIC HEARINGS START? >> THEY WILL BE — SOON. >> Stephen: COULD YOU BE VAGUER? ( LAUGHTER ) COULD I ASK YOU A FAVOR, PLEASE? AS SOMEONE WHO HAS TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF EVERY NIGHT, COULD YOU PLEASE NOT HAVE THEM AT NIGHT? BECAUSE THEN I HAVE TO DO A LIVE SHOW EVERY NIGHT AFTER THE HEARINGS. COULD YOU HAVE THEM AT 9:00 IN THE MORNING AND HAVE ALL THE FOOTAGE COME IN BY, SAY, 2:00 S WE CAN DUE TO IT FOR OUR SHOW? >> THAT MIGHT BE A CONSIDERATION. ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: PLEASE.BUT RECOGNIZING THE SERIOUSNESS OF IT, THERE’S PROBABLY NO MORE SERIOUS VOTE THAT MEMBERS COULD TAKE. NOBODY COMES TO CONGRESS TO IMPEACH A PRESIDENT. OUR PURPOSE IS TO…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/p8XP7A7kvzM ALLDEMOHT. LET'S TAKE A LOOKDEMOTHE FOOD THAT WEDEMOE. THESE ARE THEDEMOICACIES LATE DEMOFOR US. WE HAVE COWDEMOGUE. >> AND IT'S LIDEMOOLDY. >> James: WE'VE GDEMOIRD SDEMOA. WE HAVE SDEMOB BEETLE. HERRDEMOROLLMOP. >> I DON'T EVEN KNDEMOHAT THAT DEM >>DEMOes: A SCORPION. A BUDEMONIS. A SARDEMO SMOOTHIE. AND ADEMOUSAND YEAR OLD EGG. DEMO. SO DEMO YOU WILL BE GOING FIRST. I AM GOING TO GIVE YODEMOI'M GOINDEMO GIVE YOU THE BIRD SALIVA,DEMOY. WHICDEMOM STILL NOT ENTIRELY SUDEMOOW THEY GET IT. DEMOGHTER) DEMO. >DEMOS. >> James: HEARDEMOYOUR QUDEMOON. >> DEMO. >> JamesDEMOM, YOU HAVE A VERY DEMOIONABLE FAMILY. >> YES KNS KENDADEMOKYLIE, COURTDEMO CLOAIE, KRIS. RANK THEM FROM BEDEMORESSED TO WORSTDEMOSSED. >> OKAY, BEST DRESSEDEMOWOULD SADEMONDALL. >> JamDEMOYEAH. GDEMOTH THAT. >> SECONDDEMOOULD GO FOR KRIS JEDEMO. >> JaDEMO YES. >> THIRD KDEMONEY. >> JDEMO: OKAY. >> NO, NO,DEMO YEAH, KOURTNEY.FOURTH, KYLIEDEMOO, OKAY, FOURTH– DEMOONE BEFORE CAN BE KYLIE THDEMOOURTNEY. AND THEN…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/pdO2HEtv92c VIRUS. FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME, NATIONS AND PEOPLE HAVE FACED UNFORESEEN CHALLENGES, INCLUDING LARGE-SCALE AND VERY DANGEROUS HEALTH THREATS. THIS IS THE WAY IT ALWAYS WAS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE. IT ONLY MATTERS HOW YOU RESPOND AND WE ARE RESPONDING WITH GREAT SPEED AND PROFESSIONALISM. OUR TEAM IS THE BEST ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, AT THE VERY START OF THE OUTBREAK, WE INSTITUTED SWEEPING TRAVEL RESTRICTIONS ON CHINA AND PUT IN PLACE THE FIRST FEDERALLY MANDATED QUARANTINE IN OVER 50 YEARS. WE DECLARED A PUBLIC HEALTH EMERGENCY AND ISSUED THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF TRAVEL WARNING ON OTHER COUNTRIES AS THE VIRUS SPREAD ITS HORRIBLE INFECTION. AND, TAKING EARLY INTENSE ACTION, WE HAVE SEEN DRAMATICALLY FEWER CASES OF THE VIRUS IN THE UNITED STATES THAN ARE NOW PRESENT IN EUROPE. THE EUROPEAN UNION FAILED TO TAKE THE SAME PRECAUTIONS AND RESTRICT TRAVEL FROM CHINA AND OTHER HOTSPOTS. AS A…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/tvmX4a4UiyM WELCOME! WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU. I’M GLAD YOU’RE ALL IN A GOOD MOOD BECAUSE I, FOR ONE, AM NOT PANICKING. ( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE THESE BURNED. THEN BURN THE PERSON WHO BURNED THEM. ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE PANICKING. NAMELY, WALL STREET. IN THE FIRST THREE DAYS OF THIS WEEK, THE DOW LOST 2,000 POINTS, BUT LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO REASSURE INVESTORS, AND TODAY IT BOUNCED BACK– BY PLUNGING ALMOST 1,200 POINTS, THE LARGEST SINGLE DAY DROP IN HISTORY. THAT MUST BE SO HARD FOR THE GUYS ON WALL STREET. IF ONLY THEY HAD ACCESS TO SOME SORT OF DRUG THAT WOULD MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN MAKE THEM THINK THEY COULD START A BAND! ( LAUGHTER ) SEE THERE’S…