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https://www.youtube.com/embed/tTB6mVBrG6I NOW, HUGE NEWS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. NEXT WEEK IS BETTY WHITE’S 94th BIRTHDAY. (APPLAUSE) >> I’M SORRY YOU HAD TO SAY THE NUMBER. I WAS GOING TO SAY IT’S MY 58th. >> James: WELL, THE TRUTH, IS I COULD HAVE GOT AWAY WITH THAT AND PEOPLE WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT! THAT’S THE TRUTH! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THEY ABSOLUTELY WOULD! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CELEBRATE THIS? VEGAS? >> NO, NO. I’M GOING TO CELEBRATE WITH ROBERT REDFORD. >> James: WHOO! HE DOESN’T KNOW THAT. >> James: HE DOESN’T KNOW THAT… >> I THINK HE’S OUT OF THE COUNTRY. BUT I’M GOING TO CELEBRATE IT WITH HIM. >> James: WE THOUGHT WE WOULD PLAY A GAME CALLED “DID IT EXIST.” I’M GOING TO TALK ABOUT THINGS FROM HISTORY AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS IF THEY EXISTED WHEN BETTY WAS BORN. OKAY? ALL RIGHT, SO THAT’S WHAT WE’RE GOING TO DO.FIRST…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/eWPKrGJ7ksI >> APPARENTLY WHEN THIS OUTBREAK OF COVID 19, PLACE. >> ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT THE IMPENDING TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE? WHY BE AFRAID WHEN YOU CAN BE BIDETTED? THAT’S RIGHT. THERE’S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO HOSE DOWN WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE, SO ORDER FROM TED BIDET’S BUDGET BIDETS TODAY. THE SQUIRT GUN, THE BROKEN HYDRANT, THE MOBY DICK, THE BELARGEIO FOUNTAIN, THE LAWN SPRINKLER, AND WITH OUR OPTIONAL HOT WATER ATTACHMENT, OLD FAITHFUL. YOU’LL HAVE A BUTT CLEAN ENOUGH TO EAT OFF OF. SO DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE T.P. SHORTAGE, COME TO TED BIDET’S BUDGET BIDETS’ AND GET THE WATER UP YOUR SQUATTER. SQUATTER. >> STEPHEN WELCOMES JOHN OLIVER, AND MUSICAL GUEST, ALEX EBERT. WITH JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, IT’S STEPHEN CLBERT! >> Stephen: FIRE! HELLO. WELCOME TO DAY TWO OF MY SPECIAL QUARANTINE EDITION OF “THE…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/UfxuZ87-S8Q LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE’RE HERE WITH SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI. THERE WAS A BIG VOTE TODAY IN CONGRESS FORMALIZING THE PROCEDURES FOR IMPEACHMENT. WHEN DO PUBLIC HEARINGS START? >> THEY WILL BE — SOON. >> Stephen: COULD YOU BE VAGUER? ( LAUGHTER ) COULD I ASK YOU A FAVOR, PLEASE? AS SOMEONE WHO HAS TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF EVERY NIGHT, COULD YOU PLEASE NOT HAVE THEM AT NIGHT? BECAUSE THEN I HAVE TO DO A LIVE SHOW EVERY NIGHT AFTER THE HEARINGS. COULD YOU HAVE THEM AT 9:00 IN THE MORNING AND HAVE ALL THE FOOTAGE COME IN BY, SAY, 2:00 S WE CAN DUE TO IT FOR OUR SHOW? >> THAT MIGHT BE A CONSIDERATION. ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: PLEASE.BUT RECOGNIZING THE SERIOUSNESS OF IT, THERE’S PROBABLY NO MORE SERIOUS VOTE THAT MEMBERS COULD TAKE. NOBODY COMES TO CONGRESS TO IMPEACH A PRESIDENT. OUR PURPOSE IS TO…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/p8XP7A7kvzM ALLDEMOHT. LET'S TAKE A LOOKDEMOTHE FOOD THAT WEDEMOE. THESE ARE THEDEMOICACIES LATE DEMOFOR US. WE HAVE COWDEMOGUE. >> AND IT'S LIDEMOOLDY. >> James: WE'VE GDEMOIRD SDEMOA. WE HAVE SDEMOB BEETLE. HERRDEMOROLLMOP. >> I DON'T EVEN KNDEMOHAT THAT DEM >>DEMOes: A SCORPION. A BUDEMONIS. A SARDEMO SMOOTHIE. AND ADEMOUSAND YEAR OLD EGG. DEMO. SO DEMO YOU WILL BE GOING FIRST. I AM GOING TO GIVE YODEMOI'M GOINDEMO GIVE YOU THE BIRD SALIVA,DEMOY. WHICDEMOM STILL NOT ENTIRELY SUDEMOOW THEY GET IT. DEMOGHTER) DEMO. >DEMOS. >> James: HEARDEMOYOUR QUDEMOON. >> DEMO. >> JamesDEMOM, YOU HAVE A VERY DEMOIONABLE FAMILY. >> YES KNS KENDADEMOKYLIE, COURTDEMO CLOAIE, KRIS. RANK THEM FROM BEDEMORESSED TO WORSTDEMOSSED. >> OKAY, BEST DRESSEDEMOWOULD SADEMONDALL. >> JamDEMOYEAH. GDEMOTH THAT. >> SECONDDEMOOULD GO FOR KRIS JEDEMO. >> JaDEMO YES. >> THIRD KDEMONEY. >> JDEMO: OKAY. >> NO, NO,DEMO YEAH, KOURTNEY.FOURTH, KYLIEDEMOO, OKAY, FOURTH– DEMOONE BEFORE CAN BE KYLIE THDEMOOURTNEY. AND THEN…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/tvmX4a4UiyM WELCOME! WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU. I’M GLAD YOU’RE ALL IN A GOOD MOOD BECAUSE I, FOR ONE, AM NOT PANICKING. ( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE THESE BURNED. THEN BURN THE PERSON WHO BURNED THEM. ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE PANICKING. NAMELY, WALL STREET. IN THE FIRST THREE DAYS OF THIS WEEK, THE DOW LOST 2,000 POINTS, BUT LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO REASSURE INVESTORS, AND TODAY IT BOUNCED BACK– BY PLUNGING ALMOST 1,200 POINTS, THE LARGEST SINGLE DAY DROP IN HISTORY. THAT MUST BE SO HARD FOR THE GUYS ON WALL STREET. IF ONLY THEY HAD ACCESS TO SOME SORT OF DRUG THAT WOULD MAKE THEM FEEL BETTER. ( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN MAKE THEM THINK THEY COULD START A BAND! ( LAUGHTER ) SEE THERE’S…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/7zjLor4QAcY WELCOME, MY FRIENDS, TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TONIGHT– YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE EXCITED BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THE NICE! IT’S SUPER TUESDAY, THE BIGGEST HAUL– THE BIGGEST HAUL OF THE PRIMARY SEASON WHERE TONIGHT THE LION’S SHARE OF THE DELEGATES WERE AWARDED TO… SOMEONE I ASSUME. BECAUSE AS WE TAPE THIS, THE RESULTS AREN’T IN YET. BUT IT’S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN COMPLETE IGNORANCE TO STOP ME FROM TALKING ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT’S EDITION OF: >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.>> I BEAT TRUMP! >> MADE A LOT OF MONEY. >> I’M GOING TO BEAT THIS MAN LIKE A DRUM. >> BING, BING, BONG, BONG. >> “FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE 2020: SUPER TUESDAY SENIOR CITIZEN SELECTMAN DOWN. IT ALL DEPENDS ON TONIGHT TO ENSURE VICTORY 2020. >> I DROPPED OUT! >> Stephen: WE…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/hfksbuyrqkQ WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW. I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANOTHER CANDIDATE HAS DROPPED OUT OF THE DEMOCRATIC RACE. AND WE’RE GETTING A CLEARER PICTURE OF AMERICA’S FUTURE AND IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE AMERICA’S PAST. ( LAUGHTER ) I’LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT’S EDITION OF ♪ >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. BEAT TRUMP. CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE! AAAHHH! BING, BING, BONG, BONG.>> FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE 2020! >> COME ON! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: FOLKS, I’M AFRAID I HAVE SAD NEWS FOR FANS OF COMPETENCE, BECAUSE FRIEND OF THE SHOW, ELIZABETH WARREN HAS DROPPED OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE. ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THE ONE-TIME FRONTRUNNER, WARREN MADE THE CLASSIC CAMPAIGN MISTAKE OF BEING ABLE TO FINISH A COHERENT SENTENCE AND NOT HAVING A PENIS. ( LAUGHTER ) WARREN IS…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/R-Gnari_sTU WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THE BIG STORY– ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I’M GLAD TO HEAR THESE PEOPLE ALL SOUND HEALTHY AND HAPPY, BECAUSE THE BIG STORY CONTINUES TO BE THE LOOMING THREAT OF THE CORONAVIRUS. FOR LENT, I AM GIVING UP LICKING DOORKNOBS. NOW, CONCERNS OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC ARE GROWING, BUT FEAR NOT– THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HE HAS A SOLEMN DUTY TO PROTECT HIMSELF, BECAUSE THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS AFRAID THAT THE CORONAVIRUS WILL HURT HIS RE-ELECTION BID. I LOOK FORWARD TO THAT TRANSCRIPT BEING RELEASED. ( AS TRUMP ) “HELLO, UKRAINE? I NEED INFORMATION ON A ‘HUNTER’ CORONAVIRUS.” ( LAUGHTER ) SO YESTERDAY, TRUMP TRIED TO REASSURE US. >> THERE’S A VERY GOOD CHANCE YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DIE. ( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: OH, REALLY? REALLY? >> Jon: YE, REALLY NICE. >> Stephen: THAT’S VERY COMFORTING.THANK YOU VERY MUCH.…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Kcrf5foF0CY WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THE 2020 ELECTION– ( APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY IS EXCITED. YOU KNOW WHY, JON, IT’S BECAUSE THE 2020 ELECTION IS FINALLY UNDER WAY. TODAY WAS THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRI SO AFTER A YEAR OF CAMPAIGNING, WE ONLY HAVE NINE MONTHS TO GO. I’LL GIVE YOU ALL THE LATEST IN TONIGHT’S EDITION OF… >> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT. >> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA. ( HORN BEEPING ). >> YOU’RE A LYING DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER. >> I THINK THEY WILL END UP BEING THE LOSERS. >> FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020. >> Stephen: HIS TIRE IS CUT, MAN. HIS TIRE LOOKS GOOD. >> Jon: HE GOT CUT. >> Stephen: NOW, WE TAPED THE SHOW BEFORE THE POLLS CLOSED TODAY SO WE DON’T KNOW WHO WON IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, OR IOWA. ( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE…

https://www.youtube.com/embed/jB4FUHHMI24 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS THE DIRECTOR OF THE HAYDEN PLANETARIUM AT THE AMERICAN MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY, THE HOST OF “COSMOS,” AND HE’S MY FAVORITE ASTROPHYSICIST. PLEASE WELCOME NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON! s ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. >> THANK YOU. BUT FIRST — >> Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK. >> FESS UP– HOW MANY ASTROPHYSICISTS DO YOU KNOW IF I’M YOUR FAVORITE? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? >> Stephen: I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ANY OTHERS, NEAL. DO YOU UNDERSTAND. I DON’T REMEMBER MY OLD GIRLFRIENDS. I DON’T REMEMBER THE ASTROPHYSICISTS BEFORE I MET YOU. NEAL– SPOILER ALERT– YOU’RE A SCIENTIST. >> INDEED. >> Stephen: AND LEGALLY I AM REQUIRED TO ASK YOU YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS. >> OH. >> Stephen: AND I UNDERSTAND YOU’RE NOT A VIROLOGIST, YOU’RE NOT AN…